What To Do When You First Meet Near
by Melanie Swirls
Summary: By: Mello. Ever been curious about what you should do when you first meet Near? Hold a hate almost comparable to Mello's against him? Well then this is your lucky day, since we'll give you 25 things to do or say that is gaurenteed to get a reaction. R


**Authors note: I really like killing my "no updating on weekends" rule don't I? I really should just reserve weekends for new fanfics, however we know inconsistency is one of my favorite qualities, so I'm quite pleased as is. Anyways, I wrote this when I was at a stupid family thing, and ended up spending the entire time with my aunt because I didn't know anybody and everybody was old. Enjoy!**

**Peace in!**

**Melanie Swirls!**

**Title: What to do to Near when you first meet him**

A list of things to do when you meet near  
By me, Mello

_Hello people of the world who hate Near almost as much as I do, today, I'm going to give you twentyfive ways to annoy/hurt/break Near when you first meet him, gaurenteed to make the stupid twithead annoyed, angry, sad and/or embarassed. Enjoy, you creepy evil thirteen year olds.  
_  
1) Punch the bloody twit head in the face

2) Rip his stupid robots out of his hands and then smash them... With a hammer

3) Yell "you'll never be L!" before pushing him down and kicking him in the shins... Repetitively.

4) Take one of the piece of all his puzzles and hide it somewhere he'll never look, but because that's impossible, burn them.

5) Make up a case that makes no sense so that he'll never be able to solve it and he will be forced to jump of a bridge. (Example: if blue monkeys like to eat watermelon, why is Mello _so_ much better then you?)

6) When he introduces himself as "L", promptly throw a hissy fit and rant about how he should stop kidding himself because he'll never be L's replacement

7) Point a gun to his stupid albino head and tell him that you'll shoot him unless he gives me, Mello, a lifetime supply of chocolate bars.

8) Break his legs and then laugh when he cries. In which case he doesn't cry, kick him in the stomach until he does, then call him a wimp.

9) Act like you remember him from the good ol' days at whammy's, and then make up loads of embarrassing stories. (It'll make him think he's even more mental then he already is, which will be amusing, I promise)

10) Now, I don't know if you are aware of this or not, but there's this really idiotic site called fanfiction, and these sick teenagers have decided that Near and I make a good couple, (its disgusting to think about!) so you should pull out your laptop and make him read a bunch of the ones with really descriptive sex fics. (I'm NOT gay, okay? It was only one time! And it was with Matt!)

11) Show him the worst horror movie you can think of and tell him it's a documentary.

12) While he's watching the horror movie, go into his room, take everything out of it, and fill it with fake blood... Or real blood! Whatever floats your boat, you creepy freaks!

14) When you meet him, ask him very personal questions about his gay sex life.

15) When he asks why there's no number 13, bring him to the most Catholic Church you can find, and then make him sing and read him the bible.

16) Tell him that "you know why he had to live at whammy's" before walking away calmly, like it never happen. If he ever approaches you about it, call him a nycrophiliac, beyond birthday wannabe.

17) When you are introducing yourself, use the name of some psychopathic murderer who's supposed to be in jail. Then befriend him and show him your knife collection. Then when he goes back to wherever he came from and does a background check on you, he'll attempt to arrest you somehow, and then in court cry your eyes out and tell them you "lied so that he'd like you more".

18) As soon as you see him, grab some black dye and rub it into his curly shit-head hair, then run away laughing like a maniac.

19) After you run away, get a fake moustache on and walk back up to him calmly before pointing telling him "That he has a thick, sticky black substance in his hair, and that he should probably go to the doctor to get it looked at, because it cant be normal and it would be really bad to have mold growing in your hair,"

20) As soon as you see him, reach into your pocket, take out some weed and smoke it so that he gets high off the smoke. When he's high, ask him questions like "who was the first boy you've ever fucked? Why are you such an uptight emotionless bastard? Did your mother rape you? How big is your dick? Ect."

21) Take out your laptop and show him this list, then explain to him that people all over the world read this, and now he's going to get these things done to him many times.

22) Pull out a dress out of nowhere and make him wear it.

23) Take out a makeup kit, bra, tissue and high heels to complete his new look.

24) Give him your diary (or the diary of a random bitch who likes him) and make him read it. Make sure the diary talks about what their kids are going to look like, and show him a picture of the ugly whore who owns it.

25) Run up to him and act like you're his parent. When he tells you that you're supozed to be dead, laugh and say that you and your "partener" just didn't want to have a creepy albino child.

_If you aren't laughing your ass off because of the thought of these, you're probably the twithead in a costume... I knew it! Near's a transvestite! HEY MATT! Oh right, I'm writting this, not speaking this out loud... Well this is incrediby awkward._

Authors Note: **I don't actually hate Near... Okay, wait, that's not completely true. I don't hate Near, that much. I mean, I don't like him as a character and he's my least favorite aside from Light and Misa, but I appreciate his character. I hate him, but I love him at the same time... hm. that's complicated to even me.**

**Peace in!**

**Please Review!**

**Melanie Swirls!**

**Question of the day: What is your opinion on Near?**


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